Uncle Audley reviews Harman’s driving!

I’d given Uncle Audley a wide berth fearing he would be like a coiled spring over the Baroness Scotland case but when I called to see how he was he’d just read a piece about Harriet Harman that had re-stoked his boiler!

 “You know where to find me, ….know where to find me, well I ask you is this the sort of behaviour we should expect from our Government ministers?”

 “But it was in the Paper Uncle,” I said, “and they are not always accurate in their reporting” Big error on my part!

 “Now look here this was The Times (Harriet Harman faces quiz over prang)not some red top rag. And it suggests that it was an accident caused whilst driving using a mobile. What an example. The woman has never been able to stick to the speed limit and now drives away from a car she has hit. It makes you wonder whether she would have stopped if no one had seen her?  No doubt the book won’t be thrown at her by the Prime Minister just like the Baroness Scotland who I cannot fathom why remains in her post as our Attorney General.”

 “Oh dear,” I thought, “now I’m for it!”

 “Why someone in such high office would take into employment an illegal immigrant beggars belief. And what we don’t yet know is whether we as the tax payer have picked up the cost as part of an expenses claim? Granted she was fined the maximum sum of £5,000 but surely she and the Prime Minister have to accept that if you cannot set the right example and having failed so badly resignation is the only answer. What would happen if you acted for a large company with a decent sized board and the one responsible for employing the staff stepped out of line so badly. He would probably get the sack and the company would have to pay the fines. Am I wrong or have things changed so much from my day?”

I had to accept that Uncle was probably right – unless the Board had taken the risks together – but I kept that thought to myself for fear of another tirade.

“Unfortunately, it was the same with the Tories. The third term leads to all manner of misdemeanours and a failure to do the right thing. At least in May the Country decides – if we have the energy to vote for one or other of them when we get there!” and with a click he was gone. I hadn’t got as far as asking after his health but concluded that he was his normal self and therefore OK. Having dealt with my family duty I returned to the garden to prepare for the autumn.

Uncle Audley talks of compassion

 We all gathered together over the Bank Holiday and after lunch the conversation got round to actions taken on compassionate grounds. As you can imagine Uncle Audley was keen to take his part when the release of prisoners was brought up;

 “These days we can’t see the wood for the trees when we take these decisions. Take Biggs as an example. When the Great Train Robbery took place the world was a very different place. Footage of the robbery shows that. Those boys took an awful lot of money and were merciless with the driver. Violent and horrific crimes were on the increase with people like Harry Roberts on the run after shooting a Policeman and Brady and Hindley on the loose. While I accept that Mr Biggs was not on the footplate I cannot forget the pictures of him sitting in Brazil posing and holding up a bottle of beer to the camera or his participation on songs with that Sex Pistols group – one somewhat unsavourily as I remember reading was to be called Cosh the Driver during the 1970’s. His disrespect to us all at that time alone, good laugh it may have been to him, is enough to keep him locked up. Many of us could not name the rest of the gang a lot of whom did serve out their sentences but we can remember Biggs. They would probably say good luck to him well done, and had he not given us the proverbial 2 fingers I might be more compassionate towards him.”

 Talk then moved onto the release of the Lockerbie bomber which appeared to incense Uncle Audley even more. “This is a total shambles of a situation demonstrating how easily an own goal can be scored. It reminds me of a saying from my youth, casual talk costs lives. In this case no lives might be lost but casual talk certainly costs. Remember that bloke with the glasses from that Beatnik group talking about his popularity being bigger than Jesus?”

 We all looked at each other a bit lost till Aunt Ginny exclaimed, “You mean John Lennon of the Beatles?”

 “Yes that’s the chap. His casual remark got the American’s united and they were burning effigies and records and encouraging a boycott of future records. Yes, they got over it but it need not have happened if he had been more careful and thought through what he was saying. Surely that’s the point that the Scots Parliament missed. Thinking through all aspects of the decision. I accept that American’s won’t stop drinking Scotch Whiskey forever but if they boycott it for a few months and don’t visit next summer then Scotland really does suffer. These people think they are really important and this is the first time that this minister is making a decision upon which the world will focus so you would think he would take into account all the implications. But no, it looks like the decision of the local Parish Council which to the Americans is probably what they perceive the Scottish Parliament to be!”

 Well we did laugh! And with that he sat back and smiled returning to the genial old Uncle he is between his rants!

Uncle Audley considers Quantitive Easing and suggests “Don’t ask Gieve!”

 Uncle Audley has been scathing about the performance of Mervyn King and the Monetary Policy Committee at the Bank of England.  In his view they have reacted far too slowly to the gathering storm.  It seemed obvious to most people in the country from the middle of 2008 that we were in a recession.  Indeed Uncle Audley was, even then, going on about the danger being depression.  Unfortunately the only D word coming out the Government was of a downturn. 

Yet the number of members at the MPC at this time were actually pushing for an increase in interest rates, not a reduction.  The sole voice arguing for base rate reduction was David “Danny” Blanchflower.  Now of course they have all changed their tune and we now have a base rate of 0.5% in play.  There is not much more to go and the Bank of England have moved onto Plan B which is the quantitive easing policy. 

Uncle Audley takes the matter on:

“Quantitive easing does sound a little more reassuring than printing money.  I suppose I could say it is just semantics and we have some spinning here.  Nevertheless I know there is a difference and quantitive easing is not quite the same as printing money.  The latter does give immediate connotations of inflation.  Printing money is the first step along an inevitable path to that end. 

What I do find astonishing is the comments by Sir John Gieve who is the outgoing Deputy Governor of the Bank (maybe thank goodness for that).  He is reiterating the point that inflation will be kept low.  Apparently this will require the Bank to start raising rates before it is obvious on the street that the economy is getting better.  Now, with the best will in the world, how are we to believe that the Bank will recognise the situation before those people directly affected.  We already have had the situation where the MPC were far far far behind the pace in terms of reducing rates.  Why should we think they will be any better in recognising the need to raise rates before everyone else at the sharp end?  They hardly inspire you with confidence and the smart money is on the Bank of England moving too slowly so that inflation proves to be well and truly back.  I think it was rather a case of “Do not ask Gieve”.

Uncle Audley waxes lyrically about Public Enemy Number 1!

We had a family meal for Mother’s Day and Uncle Audley was present. Having enjoyed his meal and the wine and brandy afterwards he started to wax lyrically. 

 

“Who is public enemy no 1 in this country?  No prizes for putting Sir Fred Goodwin in the frame as the one most likely to.  Poor old Sir Fred must be reviled the length and breadth of the land.  Well, perhaps, not so much “poor”. 

 

He does make a convenient scapegoat, though, doesn’t he, least ways if you subscribe to the view that the current financial crisis is down to a few greedy American bankers with a bit of UK support.  We are a faithful ally not just in terms of the military. 

 

We should also ask a few more questions.  Who was it who recommended Fred for his Knighthood “for services to banking”?  Was Gordon Brown involved in this?  Sir Fred’s descent from hero to zero over four years or so has been pretty dramatic.  Perhaps, though, his services to banking were not quite so exemplary as people thought, though enough to dupe the best Chancellor over the last hundred years.  It looks like it. 

 

Sir Fred is not the only one getting a nice pension.  Gordon qualifies for a very tidy sum when the electorate finally eject him.  What is it?  £90,000 or so? 

 

Now you may not know it but the Government has put a block on the amount of pension fund the rest of us can build up.  It is frozen at £1.8million until 2015.  If a fund goes over that then there is a penal tax rate of 55% on the excess.  Do bear in mind we are talking about the value of the fund.  That fund has to be invested to generate the pension for you to take.  The annual pension is going to be an awful lot less. 

 

I believe Gordon is entitled to a pension fund of around £1.75million once he becomes an ex Prime Minister – not bad for what might prove to be less than three years work.  I think he will also get a useful supplement as a long term serving MP.  So how about Gordon giving back some of his pension in acknowledgement in his part in creating the crisis.  You might argue that Gordon is more culpable than Sir Fred.  Forget it.  Mr Prescott and Ms Harman are not going to leap into demand action.  Gordon, himself, is in self denial.  The Conservatives won’t do anything.  You can always be hoist on your own petard. 

 

I would not expect Sir Fred to give anything back.  He is a hard nosed Scottish banker.  There is as much chance as a hard nosed Scottish Prime Minister offering an apology for his part in the fiasco.” 

 

So is Uncle Audley correct – let him know your thoughts in the box below:

Uncle Audley says “it’s the (Global) Economy stupid!

Uncle Audley has been keenly following the credit crunch and recession, as you might well expect. You might know, from reading his comment that Uncle Audley has always been a fierce critic of Gordon Brown from day one. I was very surprised, then, to find that Uncle Audley seemed to be defending the “great Scotsman”.

“In fairness to Gordon Brown, I think he is right in saying that the current crisis is a global one. I think it might have been better for him if he did not keep continually stressing the point. People just think that he is playing the blame game and trying to shift any censure from what has happened away from himself. Thus, it may be a global recession, but it was made in America and therefore the fault of the US. What has happened over here in the UK, well that’s all down to the greedy bankers, including the ones Labour has given knighthoods to for their services to…er… banking (or was it for donating some of their bonuses to the cause?).

Let’s not dwell either on the failure of the regulatory system, introduced by Gordon, on its first test. It needs a global solution but Gordon has come forward with the blueprint for that to try and take all the credit. I could tolerate to all this but the only problem is you cannot have it both ways. In the late 90’s and early years of this decade, Brown kept trumpeting on about the success of the economy under his inspired stewardship. Our success was all down to him. He had banished boom and bust and you might be forgiven for thinking that it was done single handedly.

There was no credit given to Ken Clarke and his 4 years at the helm prior to Labour being in power. No UK Government has ever been given such a strong financial legacy in which to start their administration. Nor was the strength of the economy down to the power house US economy. This is despite the fact that any self respecting economist will say that the US economy is always the driver for the world economy.

You might well perhaps have attributed some of the success to the IT revolution and microchip technology which drove down costs. Well, you might have done but Gordon certainly didn’t.

Finally, one might have wondered whether the gradual emergence of the BRIC economies was a factor in establishing demand and helping our financial services industry, prosper. Gordon never acknowledged that any of these factors had any part to play in the well being of the UK in the 10 years or so he was Chancellor. The success was down to him and his prudent handling of the economy.

Well, I am sorry. You simply can’t have it both ways. If you want to take all the credit for success, even if your part in it was relatively minor, then you have to take the brick bats when something fails, even if it was not all your fault. Nevertheless, Brown will keep on repeating the mantra that it is a global crisis requiring global solutions in the hope that we eventually just accept this and forget that he deserves so much of the blame for what has gone on”.

So is Uncle Audley right? If you wish to comment please use the box below.

Uncle Audley says “We’ve Never Had It So Good” – but is he right?

Uncle Audley snorted from behind the Sunday paper.  It was the business section and I guess that he had been reading about the latest developments related to the credit crunch and the recession.  “What’s up?” I enquired setting Uncle Audley up for his take on the situation. 

 

“If I had based my judgement on this reportage then I would think that it was the end of civilisation as we know it.  I was going to say Armageddon, but I read somewhere else there is a reluctance to use this particular word.  Now I am not saying that there is not a lot of suffering already from the recession.  Innocent, blameless people are losing their jobs and I am afraid there will be more job losses in the coming months.  I know then that there is a knock on effect of having to sell one’s home at the bottom end of the market, if one cannot get another job.  We should try not to be too pessimistic and keep things in context.  The economy may shrink a little after years of growth.  We will have to tighten our belts and cut down on things.  You younger ones should realise, though, how much our standard of living has gone up, even in the last ten years but certainly significantly since the recession of the early nineties.  If I go back to the earlier recessions of the early seventies and early eighties, then there is simply no comparison.  Even after the belt tightening, the generality of us have a much higher standard of living now than ever we did then. 

 

For those of us who are that little bit older and have longer memories, we can go back to the privation suffered by British families in the Second World War and the decade or so afterwards.  What we consume in a day now would have to last us at least a week then.  Rationing did not stop until the mid 1950’s.  Houses were colder, clothing was of poorer quality.  Cars would break down.  We had some seriously severe winters to contend with such as in 1947.  I remember the evocative pictures of people having to queue to get some coal, which was also rationed, in order to try and heat their homes. 

 

I could go on.  That was austerity.  But, even today, if you are prone to bemoan your lot, do have a look round the world and put things in perspective.”

 

He might have a point; but what’s your take on the situation? If you wish to comment please use the box below.

Uncle Audley looks at Small Business help suggestions

I got a call from Uncle Audley last night. “Do me a favour,” he asked, “look up the word defer for me would you?” Not wanting to upset my favourite relative I took the book from its shelf.  The Chambers Concise Dictionary 2004 edition priced at £17.99 from all good book shops. “Why that word?” I asked. “

 

“Because that is what David Cameron asked the Government to do, in his Observer article of October 19 2008, when considering VAT payments for SME’s,” came the reply.

 

“His actual quote was, “And today we are calling on the government to allow small and medium-sized enterprises to defer their VAT bills for up to six months. That means a typical small business with 50 employees, revenues of £5m and an annual net VAT bill of £350,000, doesn’t have to find £90,000 to pay the taxman when the bank has just taken away its overdraft.” What does he mean? Does the £90,000 disappear never to return or does it stack up to be paid later if the business can? I’m not altogether sure – perhaps the devil is in the detail.”

 

“Chambers Concise suggests that defer means “to put off something or leave it to a later time” or “to yield to their wishes” I told him.

 

“Typical we’ll have to wait to find out. The Daily Mail are trying to get in on the act suggesting their wonderful 8 point plan to help save our small businesses with their Charter which includes some good points but some ill thought out ones too. Wherever we look there is lots of suggestions but they all point to one solution; a return to where we were. Is that not why we are in difficulty?”

 

Good point I thought and as I opened my mouth to tell him so I was forced to listen once more.

 

“Surely the problem here is a lack of saving and a long period of spend spend, spend coming home to roost. In my day boy you had to wait for what you wanted. None of this slap the plastic down. Nowadays we get more than we need before we consider whether we need it in the first place. Thatcher privatised everything and had nothing to show for that money now Gordon has himself in the same place. Maybe the Australians are giving handouts to help but is this the answer? Surely those who take it seriously and self help should be rewarded not those who have no intention of doing so. Maybe I’m too old for all of this but in my day it never worked like this. It was called cutting your cloth accordingly. Nowadays there is not much cloth worn let alone Waide and Pollard from which to buy a vest or two!

 

Savings, my boy, are the answer. Without them we’ve got nothing but too many have been allowed to get themselves in a muddle and it is this problem that needs sorting out. Not popular with small business though as to save we cannot spend at all to build them up and that will mean the mother of all recessions. To avoid this careful management is needed but this means telling people what they have to hear not what you think they want to hear. Reassurement does not work when hard lessons need learning. That is why the Bank bail out is difficult to implement. It seems the Government’s plan includes lending in areas deemed folly and the reason for the problems, so how can this provide a solution? What we need is a return to sense and this means property price falling further to allow new borrowers into the market. That will mean negative equity. Unfortunate but there you have it.

 

We’ve also got to put right some of the nonsense we have created. The 10p shenanigans should all be reversed to reduce corporation tax on small business – but that is for the long term as payments dates are later. The 10p back in would put right last years wrongs and put money in pockets but let us not forget the amount of money and paper that has been wasted printing and sending out all those tax coding notices before the year, after the budget, after P11d’s and then again for the extra allowances. No one seems to bring up this level of waste – but it is there and very real.”

 

“Uncle, you sound depressed” I said, having got a word in at last, “is there anything more certain than a recession in your mind?”

 

“Only Spurs to get relegated” he added with a laugh and he was gone. Oh dear I thought, how do I break the news to Nick in the morning…..        

Uncle Audley considers Enlightenment

Uncle Audley started to wax lyrical about the age of enlightenment and his scientific revolution. Knowing Uncle Audley, I guess that his journey to the 18th Century would have a resonance with some aspects of modern day life.  Sure enough it did.  “It was a momentous Century.  We had an age where there was a combination of deep intellectual thought and ground breaking scientific inventions and discoveries.  The barriers to human advancement were swept away by these twin movements.  I would say that no previous era has seen such an advance in the betterment of the ordinary individual human being on this island.  Ok, there was still oppressive poverty, brutality and injustice but the foundations were put down for the order of the Victorian Age.

 

What was also noteworthy was the Government just went about its business and let the philosophers and inventors go about theirs.  They did not seek to take credit for the advancements. 

 

One of the great figures of this age was Adam Smith, the great Scot, who wrote the Wealth of Nations.  I can now see that he is featured on the back of our twenty pound notes.  Adam Smith came from Kirkcaldy.  Another scion of that exalted parish is Gordon Brown. 

 

Compare Gordon’s sense of achievement with that of one of the great figures, Sir Isaac Newton.  When Sir Isaac was praised for his achievements, he replied “if I have achieved anything it is because I have been able to stand on the shoulders of giants”.  Our Gordon has shown no such restraint or modesty.  The successful performance of the British economy over the last decade was entirely down to him.  No credit given to the world conditions, the internet revolution driving down unit costs, or the demand from the BRIC economies.  Much less to his Conservative predecessor, Ken Clark, under  whose stewardship, the economy had grown consistently over the previous four years or so.”

Uncle Audley considers crime prevention and Institutional denial!

I arrived for a family Sunday lunch to see Uncle Audley deep in the newspaper. He had just been reading about a horrific racial attack on an Arab student in Hastings.  Before I could read the report, Uncle Audley was off.  “It seems this happened outside a kebab house.  The owner had called the Police an hour before because some youths had congregated outside, clearly intent on mischief.  Apparently there had been trouble on other occasions.  The Police did not intervene and an hour or so later the incident took place.  There was a subsequent Police announcement that they had been unable to take action because no crime had been committed.  So there you have it.  Someone has to be killed before the Police will do something.  So much for crime prevention!”

 

“There seems to me to be another issue here.  The Police are like many State sponsored organisations these days.  They find it impossible to admit that they may have failed.  I imagine it is an inevitable consequence of this ridiculous compensation culture we have these days.  Consequently, we have these ludicrous statements issued whenever there is an incident like this one.  The first casualty is confidence and credibility.  Apologies and compensation come later, sometimes much later.  I know that there are only a minuscule proportion of cases like this and the national newspapers gorge themselves in such cases.  In most cases, Police do take the appropriate preventative action.  But they should put their hands up if they do fall short of their own high standards”.

 

“The Revenue have the same mentality save that they are rather more prone to error.  But just try getting them to admit it.  Good heavens, it is likely pulling teeth.  What they do now is a sophisticated game of pass the parcel.  The poor, unfortunate taxpayer – sorry, customer (we must use the correct terminology) has his complaint passed from one department to another department to another.  It recalls Kafka’s description of the labyrinthine legal processes at work in the old Austro-Hungarian empire.  The Revenue are playing the percentages that busy taxpayers will eventually give up and get on with their lives, however just their cause might be.  My advice is “Don’t succumb.  Never give in, never give up, never despair”.

 

On this Churchillian note, Uncle Audley fell back into his chair and succumbed, himself, to sleep!

Uncle Audley considers Mr Brown’s first year in office

I telephoned Uncle Audley the other afternoon to see if had been enjoying Wimbledon only to find him in an uncompromising mood. “First Anniversary this week”, he barked. Startled I wondered which card I had forgotten to buy before he continued.

 

“Brown. Mr Modesty, the chap who always told us as Chancellor what a brain box he was and went missing when trouble was afoot. He hasn’t been able to escape the floodlights in the last 12 months has he now and he hasn’t fared well. Mind you it’s not all his fault. Oil and Energy prices are a problem – as they were for Heath. Got him too when they went through the roof. You won’t remember them though my boy”  (Oh I don’t know I thought remembering primary school without heat and being taught to dance with the girls to keep up our warmth. I woke up to hear Audley still talking) Sorry, Audley what were you saying?

 

“Three day weeks, living by candlelight – I’d get out tomorrow and get a box before they go up as well if I were you. Mind you Heath won more votes than Wilson but lost the 1974 election – I doubt Brown will have the same luck. Fifth in Henley – I ask you. We knew he wouldn’t win but fifth.”

 

I appreciate you’ve never been keen on Mr Brown”

 

“How could I be – he’s never done anything worth praising. Any measure he introduced he removed at a later date, he robbed the utility companies and we have nothing to show for it and he gave the Bank of England independence and they messed up the Northern Rock thing when their first chance to shine appeared. The problem comes from Blair allowing them to be presented as a dream ticket, head and shoulders above the rest of the party, Gordon the only potential successor so that when the time came there was no room for manoeuvre. I reckon most senior Labour figures knew this would happen but were powerless to do anything about it. If they really want to lose the next election they should call it now before too much more damage has been done. The economy is slowing, house prices are falling it looks like it could be grim ahead. That calls for a strong leader. Trouble is – are there any out there?”

 

And with that he was gone, no mention of the tennis at all. I thought about what Audley had said and picked a Dire Straits CD off the rack and put on the title track,

 

You walk out on the high wire 
You're a dancer on thin ice 
You pay no heed to the danger 
And less to advice
Your footsteps are forbidden
But with a knowledge of your sin
You throw your love to all the strangers
And caution to the wind


And you go dancing through doorways
Just to see what you will find
Leaving nothing to interfere
With the crazy balance of your mind
And when you finally reappear
At the place where you came in
You've thrown your love to all the strangers
And caution to the wind

It takes love over gold
And mind over matter
To do what you do that you must
When the things that you hold
Can fall and be shattered
Or run through your fingers like dust